Faggoty-Ass Faggot

June 2006
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February 20, 2006

There's Something About Brian

First dates are nerve-wracking enough, but I'm late. And still unshaved.

He is supposed to arrive in under fifteen minutes, so I race to the bathroom, lather up, and start ripping my razor down my face.

Right cheek. Left cheek. Right neck. Left neck. Chin. Lip - shit.

A cut. A gash, rather, and then a gush. Blood everywhere.

Son of a bitch.

I grab a Kleenex and press down, but nothing is stopping this one.

Blood, another tissue, more blood. The clock is ticking. A knock.

Damnit.

I open the door, shirtless, a crimson tissue mashed to my face. An explanation, a laugh. We sit on the couch. Patient. What a saint.

Tissue. Tissue. Styptic pencil. Tissue. Styptic pencil.

Jesus, when did I become a bleeder?

Tissue - and - yes.

Finally, the bloodletting stops. But I'm left with a scab. A fresh, thick, black, erupting, dime-sized scab on my upper lip.

Hot.

Forty-five minutes have passed. Our dinner reservations long lost, we barely manage a quickie at the diner and make our showtime.

The movie? One of the gay features at the film festival. Sure, no one here I know. I slouch in my chair, hand to my face. Lights. LIGHTS!

Finally, the movie starts. It's ... all right. Not worth the potential public humiliation.

The credits roll, we dash for the exits. He takes me home.

A kiss. Then, a make-out. How kind of him to make the hideous boy with the Neville-sized blemish feel pretty.

This is nice.

The kiss breaks, we pull back. I smile. This date didn't suck! I survived!

I open my eyes.

His face is wearing my scab.

posted by Brian @ 11:46 PM on 02.20.06

Comments

*gag* ewww how yuk! I'm sorry, but at least the date was good right?

comment by Mary Jo @ 12:15 AM on 02.21.06 [link]

Hilarious. Humiliation is so funny. ;-)

comment by Karen @ 01:11 AM on 02.21.06 [link]

Way to go!

comment by crave @ 04:26 AM on 02.21.06 [link]

You are so funny. It was hurt sometimes.

comment by tim @ 09:13 AM on 02.21.06 [link]

Oh my god. That's horrifying.
Hahahahahahaha.
Your pain and suffering amuses me, thank you.

comment by Your Mom Wears Combat Boots @ 09:16 AM on 02.21.06 [link]

ah mah gah, scab face.

that you maneuvered beyond it is pure talent. good show!

comment by Crystal @ 09:18 AM on 02.21.06 [link]

What happend next?

Did you say, "Oh excuse me I got a little bit of scab on you?". Or did you just brush it away like it was a crumb?

Anyway get yourself a septic pencil for the next time you cut your face. It stings like a bitch but stops the bleeding right away.

comment by scott e d @ 09:28 AM on 02.21.06 [link]

You know, reading about your mishaps makes me much more ok with the fact that I don't find myself caught up in these kinds of shenanigans.

So, carry on, and I will live vicariously through you.

comment by jaclyn @ 09:38 AM on 02.21.06 [link]

EEEEEWWWWWW!! Oh no!

You know there's something beautiful about it hidden underneath there somewhere. Like something out of "Date Movie" fom hell, but you did have a okay time.

But, ugh, I can't just.....ugh.

comment by rudy! @ 11:08 AM on 02.21.06 [link]

OWWWCH. And if he didn't mind wearing your scab, why should you care? Happy smoochifying! (And good healing. Ow.)

comment by shelley @ 11:44 AM on 02.21.06 [link]

That read like an I Love Lucy episode. Thanks for sharing your life for our enjoyment!

comment by Gumby @ 12:00 PM on 02.21.06 [link]

that's so effin' HAWT.

wow. if that isn't reason enough to pursue something with this cat, i don't know what is.

comment by Everqueer @ 12:36 PM on 02.21.06 [link]

OK, now I have to share this one with you. I went home with a guy, got into his bed and smelled something bad. The guys yells "Damn Cat" and turns the light on. The cat had shit in his bed and I was wearing it all over my back.

comment by Jeff @ 04:33 PM on 02.21.06 [link]

Just a friendly reminder:
Scars are sexy
Scabs... not so much.

Congrats on the date. Excellent work.

comment by Chris @ 03:54 AM on 02.22.06 [link]

LOL - you "scabbed" him.

comment by EconAtheist @ 01:49 PM on 02.24.06 [link]

That is the best story I have read in a long time. Thank you for sharing, and kudos for turning what could have been a date from hell into what sounds like a great night (end-of-evening scab-swap notwithstanding!)