One of the great bewilderments in my life is that I have yet to achieve TV-expert status.

When Ann Coulter called John Edwards a faggot, who sat in on Today to weigh in? Not me, and it's still puzzling me, Matthew Todd Lauer.

When Larry Craig made naughty in an airport bathroom, who crowded the hot-topics table with the ladies of The View? Wasn't me.

And now this news: Vice President Dick Cheney found to have an irregular heartbeat.

The moment I saw that information breaking on the gym TV yesterday, I knew the anchor was about to say two words: atrial fibrillation.

Regular Faggoty-Ass Faggot readers will remember my own good times with that particular condition last summer. And while A. Coop. is clearly a regular member of the F-AF audience, still no call.

So here are my thoughts on the Cheney fibbing:

1. This statement from the VP's office is some serious spinny bullshit: "An electrical impulse was used to restore the upper chambers to normal rhythm. The procedure went smoothly and without complication."

He got the paddles, folks. Somebody called out "clear!" His sickly, bare, white torso jumped six inches off the table. And he was sedated, or else he really is Darth Vader.

But sure, an "electrical impulse." No big whoop.

2. For the first time in seven years, I don't wish this man ill health. Me, pray for his atrial fibrillation-related blood clot traveling up to cause a stroke? Yeah, my poor heart so doesn't need that bad karma.

3. F-AF and Cheney, ironic heart bedfellows. Who would have thought?

Especially since neither of us previously has shown evidence of having that particular organ.