July 20, 2007
Faggoty-Ass Faggot Field Trip: In the Beginning ...
When was the last time we went on a field trip together? Why, we've been to Cleveland's newest bath house. To Captain Kirk's birth place. Even to a college party.
So why don't we go back to where it all began?
No, not to the Cincinnati Museum of Natural History -- although I hear that's pretty nice.
No, back further ...
Chapter 1. Verse 1.
Homo goes to Answers in Genesis, the Creation Museum? I'm not sure, but it's possible that was foretold in "Revelations."
Now let me just start by saying I have no problems with people who believe a deity created our world. I mean, want to stump a Big Bang theorist? Ask 'em who or what started the bang.
But I have real problems with the Young Earth movement. The Earth is just 6,000 years old? Despite the piles and piles of evidence?
You'll note the dinosaur at the gates of the Creation Museum.
Answers in Genesis has a real hard-on for dinosaurs -- a hard-on the group will never do anything about because masturbation is homosexual behavior, right?
You get dinosaur topiary. (Kinda, well, gay.)
Dinosaur, er, Loch Ness Monster topiary.
Dinosaurs you can, well, ride.
And, um, dinosaurs living with humans?
Who is probably the reason they need a K-9 unit. Watch what you say to the kiddies -- someone is always listening.
Why fixate on the dinosaurs, exactly? Perhaps because all of those 100 million-year-old fossils really do a doozy on the 6,000-year-old Earth theory, so you've really got to think of some good reasons to explain that.
Turns out dinos just died in the past 4,500 years (over-hunting by Indians?), and radiocarbon dating is bullshit. Hey, sounds good to me.
One other thought -- maybe you emphasize the T-rex because kiddies love them dinosaurs, and it's a great way to get children and their parents to pay $19.95 a head.
But that would just be the cynicism talking.
At Answers in Genesis, you get a piece of the ark.
Ooh, dioramas! Much better than my second-grade shoebox ones.
I just like the 1/2-inch-tall sinning heathens screaming in terror. Wheee!
Fundie humor.
More knee-slapping Moral Majority humor.
Really, they're replacing the gays and the Jews as comedy writers.
I call this the "Hide Adam's Cock" game. How about a fern?
Some lilies?
A well-placed knee?
It was at this point in the tour that I eavesdropped on this conversation:
Mother: So in the Garden of Eden, no creatures ate each other, they only ate plants. That's what they're proving here.
Daughter: But wouldn't they eat all of the plants and die of starvation?
Mother: No. In fact, they probably had the opposite problem. There were probably too many animals because the dinosaurs didn't eat the humans.
Daughter: That's stupid, Mom. Dinosaurs didn't live at the same time as humans.
Mother: No, you're wrong. Dinosaurs and humans lived together. That's what the Bible says.
Daughter: ...
So let's get serious for a little bit.
What makes me furious is the intellectual dishonesty on display at the Creation Museum.
When you first enter the museum, you watch a short movie that explains creationism and calls people who believe in evolution faithless.
In fact, the movie specifically addresses how bad it makes creationists feel to be called stupid -- and then the film calls all of the teachers and scientists who believe in evolution idiots.
So cry babies, if you don't like being made fun of, why do you make fun of others who are different than you?
Sounds very Christian to me.
The movie also talks about evolution as if it were the most far-fetched, least-thought-out theory ever. Like, evolution is crrrrrrrazy, dawg. It's as if somebody just made it up one night and wrote it down in a book and everybody started believing it with no evidence and it became the best-selling book of all time.
So how do you explain these displays later in the museum that detail life after Noah and the Great Flood?
So, horses that left the ark changed to adapt to their new environments? Um, that's evolution, right?
And this:
So, Neanderthals were human, they just looked completely different? You mean people who came later changed? They ... evolved?
But what makes me even more furious is the Creation Museum's emphasis on just how awful the world is today. Early on, before the "beauty" of the Garden of Eden -- with its plastic plants, poorly painted mannequins and black drop-panel ceiling -- you have to walk through this dark, red-lighted alley:
Where you see all of the problems in the world:
Faggots ... dykes ...
Homos ... queers.
I especially like how one amateur curator added his or her own thoughts to the display by putting graffiti on some poor gay teen's face. You and your black marker are terribly brave.
Actually, I lie. I take back everything I've just written.
If you're so moronic and immature that your idea of intelligent discourse is to draw a mustache on a wall as an insult, then maybe evolution really isn't happening.
Maybe you're just as stupid and backward as Adam and Eve, running around the Garden of Eve with no clothes, no written language and no ability to follow the one freakin' rule you've been given: Don't eat the apple, jackass.
Just keep drinking the Kool-Aid.
posted by
F-AF @ 12:53 AM on 07.20.07
Heh... what an act of disdain, that drawing of the mustache and pointy beard. How imaginative. How childish. The sad thing is that while it would appear to have been perpetrated by, say, a 12 year old, it most likely was a REALLY fat 47 year old wearing shorts that were wedged up between his massive thighs.
The graffitied gay guy looks good with a goatee, though.
Reading those placards "explaining" all this is hilarious. It all seems like a parody of a museum, down to the carefully chosen "explain it to a school child" words. I almost expect to see an empty case somewhere with a small card reading "Specimen removed for further fictionalization."
Posted by:
Gene |
July 20, 2007 11:06 AM
Howdy - I stopped by via Pant's place, who I found via Sister Mary Lisa.
Evolution happening? I firmly believe Darwin was so wrong. How else to explain the so-called Christians, my bible-thumping co-workers, and I would be remiss if I didn't mention my idiotic and bigoted brother (adopted, no blood relation, thank you very much).
Mind if I add your linky link?
Posted by:
Sideon |
July 20, 2007 12:50 PM
Interesting, I almost felt like I was there (thank the gods for that "almost"). It's funny how you ended this piece, though. To me, the myth of Adam & Eve is the most messed up thing about Christianity. You can have everything in the world handed to you and all you have to do is remain ignorant. God forbid (literally) if you might want to learn things for yourself or work for what you own. I'd rather eat $1 tv dinners that I earned before I take caviar from a sugar daddy. The serpent's part in the whole thing is one of the reasons why I love reptiles and their place in mythology.
Posted by:
Brad |
July 20, 2007 01:29 PM
(HEADLINE)
THE DEVIL IS ALIVE AND WELL . . .
AND LIVING AT THE CREATION MUSEUM
Posted by:
GreenBananas |
July 20, 2007 01:47 PM
I never would go to this place but was curious what it was like. Thanks so much for showing the pictures and applying logic to each photo. This place is really screwed up and I cannot imagine bringing my nieces or nephews in here and talking about it with a "straight" face. Unbelievable but thanks.
Posted by:
BabyD |
July 21, 2007 09:49 AM
That Adam is hot. I bet he has all those Baptist men on the down low drooling. Maybe us gays should ask who did the design and see if we can get one for our Pride parade floats.
Posted by:
Nugget |
July 21, 2007 11:05 AM
Nice post! I need to correct one thing though. Evolution is NOT linear. It's branching.
For example, we and the Chimps share a common ancestor. But we're divergent from that ancestor, as are the chimps.
And if you take it back even further, we have primordial critters as common ancestors. That's what really riles teh fundies.
Posted by:
Tony P |
July 21, 2007 11:30 AM
The horses adapted to the environment... THAT IS EVOLUTION! They don't even know how to hide science properly.
Posted by:
Flood |
July 21, 2007 02:19 PM
Love your blog, honey... and thanks for touring the creation museum for those of us who didn't want to give them our money!
I love how the horses changed over (extremely short) time - why don't we see divine intervention like that nowadays? Can't these wingnuts even get their story straight? And while we're at it, why are Adam and Eve white?
My favortie comment on this creationist nonsense comes from a very sweet and somewhat benighted coworker, who told a mutual friend in all seriousness that God had created the dinosaurs as fossils. Top that. They were never alive to begin with; the Almighty just figured it'd be fun to mess with our brains. Riiiight.
Posted by:
marnie |
July 22, 2007 12:45 AM
Someone should put another sign next to the "Modern world abandons Bible" sign, I suggest "And it never felt so good!" I wouldn't mind looking round this museum. Seems like it would be a larf...maybe.
Posted by:
Will |
July 22, 2007 05:35 AM
I live in Cincinnati and can't tell you how deeply ashamed I am to be linked to this ridiculous place. Every time I see a blog posting or new article, I wince. And the absolute worst part about it? No number of incredibly witty and true postings or articles or, hell, just plain common sense and logic are going to shut this place down. Please PLEASE if you read this, never visit this "museum". They truly don't need your money.
Posted by:
Brian |
July 23, 2007 12:39 AM
a quote and a question
Quote: ... it seems that the actor who played “Adam” in one of the museum’s videos has had other scantily-clad appearances. Eric Linden is the owner and sometime star of a pornographic website, “Bedroom Acrobat”. ...
(from: Panda's Thumb ( http://www.pandasthumb.org/archives/2007/06/of_cilia_and_si.html#comment-182817 ) ; confirmed by numerous later reports)
?: Does anyone else notice some suggestive shading in the F-AF's first "Adam's cock" pic, a bit below his (Adam's) shapely left pectoral, about twice Adam's hand's grip in circumference?
[cross-commented at Pam's House Blend]
Posted by:
Pierce R. Butler |
July 23, 2007 11:23 PM
I was on a road trip recently and didn't realize that I'd passed this... locals seemed to be appalled by it. I'd have gone back, but didn't think it was worth giving them money just so I could get kicked out for laughing.
By the way, did you know that Eric Linden, the actor who played 'Adam' in the video was fired? Guess why? Yep... HE WAS GAY, and had appeared in several other films and ran a website called Bedroom Acrobats! Do a quick search and there's lots of articles about it.
Posted by:
Roy |
July 24, 2007 03:08 PM
Brilliantly and beautifully written.
I am floored. Having never heard of this place, this makes me cry with laughter ... and weep, too.
Posted by:
Cooper |
July 25, 2007 03:38 PM
HA. Those pictures are great, and they'll be far more helpful than my camera phone images when talking about the place.
I know you don't watch anymore, but Jen's exit last night was pretty funny. Sure, she's stupid and annoying, but I thought it was great that she destroyed Dick's cigarettes and broke food restrictions. If you know you're leaving, why the hell keep eating slop?
How's the new crib? Oh, and check out the story about this psycho kid who stomped on the head of a snake, killing it, at some festival. The message boards were hilarious! Most people were supporting the snake. One read, "thank you little boy i hate snake too" ...another suggested we stomp on his skull. I
Posted by:
Kristin |
August 24, 2007 05:11 PM
