August 16, 2006
Fault lines
I found the reactions to my "65 Deal breakers" list ... intriguing.
Some people seemed so personally offended. If you're taller than me, or thinner than me, or too tan - well, there are tons and tons of other men who think those qualities are way hot!
And if you have a unibrow or are a terrible kisser? Dude, don't blame me.
Then other commenters referenced my unlisted faults. As if I am not aware of my many, many faults.
Folks, I am so on top of my own faults, I have scaled Mount Faggoty-Ass Faggot Fault, climbed back down, and brought back Imax equipment.
So, without further delay, the F-AF faults, as they stand today:
1. I am an unemployed student.
2. I have a receding hairline.
3. My ears stick out a little too much.
4. My nose is too big.
5. The pores on my nose are too big.
6. I have hair on my shoulders.
7. I have hair on my feet.
8. I only wax the hair on my shoulders.
9. I have hair on my ass.
10. I have awkward posture.
11. I'm messy.
12. I forget to wash my sheets sometimes unless I know someone is coming over.
13. I mumble.
14. I am a phone low-talker.
15. I watch Martha Stewart.
16. I watch The View.
17. I drive a used 2000 Dodge Neon.
18. I drive a used 2000 Dodge Neon with no hubcaps.
19. I have permanently dilated eyes so that every picture of me has demon eyes.
20. I do not eat vegetables.
21. Children make me uncomfortable.
22. People with disabilities make me uncomfortable.
23. I pay my bills late.
24. I have body dysmorphia.
25. I constantly bitch about the fat content in food that I cannot eat.
26. If you ask me if you look good and you do not, I will be a miserable liar.
27. If you have put on weight, I may accidentally tell you so.
28. I have no time for and little interest in oral sex.
29. I have a permanently furrowed brow.
30. I forget to smile most times.
31. I am nearly always sarcastic.
32. I am always bitter.
33. I am a vicious gossip.
34. I have enemies.
35. I do not wish them well.
36. I am not friendly with my ex-boyfriends.
37. I will tell you it is their fault, but five or more of the faults above are at least partly to blame.
38. I am a hypocrite.
39. I am a procrastinator.
40. I will not share my dessert.
41. I would rather not share my entree, either.
42. Don't touch my appetizer.
43. I am plagued with self-doubt.
44. I will write about you in my blog.
45. I will not let you guest blog.
46. I stutter when I am nervous.
47. My teeth will not become white no matter how hard I try.
48. My teeth are becoming crooked again despite my years of braces.
49. I am so competitive at games I make people uncomfortable.
50. My knees and ankles crack when I walk.
51. I watch 60 or more hours of television a week.
52. I have greasy hands.
53. I have holes in my socks.
54. I do not like to travel for more than a long weekend.
55. I want you to give me a massage, but get bored if you ask me to do the same.
56. I really wish you would skip the romantic candlelight dinner.
57. I really wish you would skip the long phone calls.
58. I don't want to have sex as often as you do.
59. Yes, I am wearing a ringer T again.
60. Yes, I know Structure stopped producing underwear years ago. I still haven't found anything I like as much.
61. Yes, my sandals came from Sears.
62. My shorts from the outlet mall.
63. I have very few friends.
64. I can be such an asshole I will probably have fewer of them as the years go by.
65. I am clearly neurotic, psycho, self-absorbed, judgmental, picky and in need of serious therapy and/or medication.
Well that was certainly a depressing exercise. Oh wait.
66. I am chronically depressed.
Phew. Now there are more things wrong with me than any suitor.
I feel better already.
posted by
Brian @ 12:35 AM on 08.16.06
Do you know how to thread a needle! If you can, there's an empty machine right next to Vincent on Project Runway. You'd be a welcomed addition.
Posted by:
GreenBananas |
August 16, 2006 12:54 AM
I thought most of the public comments about the dealbreakers were more in the vein of "I scored 98% if thats close enough where does one apply'
As for this list well, seems to me your just more aware of your particularities (is that even a word) than most
Posted by:
Paul |
August 16, 2006 01:37 AM
Wow Brian, you sound pretty much 'normal' to me! Everyone has faults, the key is trying to live the best life possible despite them. As a recovering alcoholic, the best advice on life I ever got is the Serenity Prayer: accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, know the difference.
By the by: I ADORE guys with hairy asses!
Posted by:
Bunny |
August 16, 2006 07:29 AM
68. You're someone whose closest friends still love you despite your faults...and the fact that you can be an asshole.
(and that you are likely to correct my grammar)
:)
xoxo
Posted by:
Farina |
August 16, 2006 09:37 AM
I encountered the same phenomenon when I shamelessly stole your idea and posted my own list. People really get up in your business when you start listing criteria. Like they don't have any of their own.
Of course, I really like this idea of posting your own faults, so I will probably steal this one as well for tomorrow's post. Thanks guy, you're my hero. I may never have to come up with another original idea for a post again!
Posted by:
David |
August 16, 2006 10:46 AM
Oh, Faggoty...that's a brutal list. I love the fact that it really makes one reflect on their own faults (at least it made me reflect). I love what the other poster said about all that just making you "normal." So what was my favorite...58. I don't want to have sex as often as you do. While I can relate to many of the items. That was the one that really spoke to me.
Posted by:
Aaron |
August 16, 2006 07:22 PM
You had me until the holes in the socks thing. That's totally a deal breaker!
Posted by:
Darry |
August 16, 2006 07:31 PM
faffy, faffy, faffy, Thanks for being so intuitive, there are so many people that take themseves to seriously {republicans}, if more people would just be so honest, we'd have so much more fun in life
Posted by:
monicalf |
August 16, 2006 10:23 PM
Oh, Brian, I think I love you more now that you've listed your faults than I did before! (The fact that much of my own "list" is nearly identical to yours doesn't mean that, since I love you even more, I'm a narcissist, does it? Oh, well, just add it to my column...)
Posted by:
Bourgeois Nerd |
August 16, 2006 10:35 PM
Your coments are stiff and over the top. There's a fine line between inovation and insanity!
Posted by:
tom |
August 17, 2006 12:22 AM
If you watch TV even for a few seconds, you must know that there is a pill for each one of these listed ailments. So, the real question is: Do you have drug coverage?
On the whole, I don't think the list is too long. Your ex's could probably add to the list, but let's not go there.
Posted by:
Bob |
August 17, 2006 12:38 AM
I was reading the "Captain Kirk" post and all I could think was, "Ugh! Those sandals!" Then I came here and was somehow comforted by the fact that you know.
Posted by:
Michael |
August 21, 2006 05:12 AM
I think you look pretty good. (If that's really you in the photos.) Do you Biore (changing noun into verb) your nose?
Posted by:
jali |
August 21, 2006 03:38 PM
Oh my god, no time for oral sex, and you watch 60 hours of TV a week?
I really had no idea that there were gay men who had no interest in oral sex.
Posted by:
Tim |
August 22, 2006 10:22 PM
